Surviving Under Conditions That Are Strict As A Child Growing Up In High-Risk Communities In Cape Town
I remember at the age of 9 I found myself roaming the streets of Cape Town begging with my childhood friend called Raymond. Begging was never part of my plan, but leaving my home at a tender young age to seek love and attention from strangers was the ultimate goal. I was merely surviving through the hurt and frustration I felt towards life, as young as I was, growing up in a broken home. Negative triggers at home always gave me a good reason to leave the home to spend an entire weekend roaming the streets of the Cape Town CBD.
I was merely surviving the ordeal of internal trauma and anxiety that I had experienced at home to try and find love elsewhere. I was vulnerable and ready to take my life. I came home and was almost never missed. My parents thought I had spent my weekend with my grandma, my grandma was under the impression that I had spent my weekend with my parents — no questions asked. Everyone in my family at the time was living constraints lives. This form of negative conditioning growing up have sown the seeds of futility, fear, worry, anxiety, and impending doom in my life. I have accepted this as normal in my life and took negative suggestions easily in, and these thoughts of fear and craving to be loved by my first love caused me to lose the will to life.
As a young boy I was always looking for love and always found myself in conflict situations with family and friends because I pushed them away when they got to close. An unconscious habit that I was unaware of. Years of neglect, and trying to seek the attention from my loved ones slowly broke me. I started neglecting myself in order to get back those who had hurt me in my life. I had a talent of predicting people’s mannerisms when they were intoxicated and always wondered what drives people to go out and hurt others when under the influence of drugs and alcohol? The ability I had observing how personal trauma infused with self-hate made and broke my people in my community (because I had been there), I came to learn about my own situation. I understood that I had a choice to reject or accept my current situation, and understood that I do not have to accept my situation.
Understanding this simple suggestion for my life, I realized that choices opened up for me. I gained the power to plant the seeds of hope to help counteract all my destructive beliefs I had of my life, by simply allowing my mind to cultivate constructive seeds in order for me to realize my power.